"Don't Make a Fuss" -- Remembrances for the "Givers"

Melka was a giver. 

She shared her stories, her wisdom and her wicked humor freely.  She spoiled her grand-children lavishly.  People said it was practically impossible to give Melka anything.  If you did, she’d give you something the next day.

An accomplished chef, she made was always making food for her friends in the building where she worked up until her illness prevented her from carrying on her duties as elevator operator at the Flat Iron Building.  

She was also irreverent, fiery and opinionated.  Though she was raised Catholic she’d come to be spiritual rather than religious with a leaning toward the teachings of Buddha.

Melka made it very clear that she did not want a funeral.  She said “Don’t make any fuss. Just toss my ashes into the ocean and be done with it”.   Givers like Melka often want to spare their friends and family the trouble of having a funeral or memorial service for them.  And people who don’t follow a particular faith tradition often want to spare their loved ones the ordeal of sitting through an inauthentic service officiated by a minister or priest from a tradition that held no meaning for them.

Givers who state preferences for no service at all when they pass away usually think they are letting their loved ones off the hook.  They don’t feel comfortable with the idea of all that attention focused on them (even though they’ll be far beyond any embarrassment or shyness by that point!) 

Melka didn’t realize how much her family and community would need to gather together to share their loss.  The people who loved and appreciated Melka in life needed to make her present to them again by remembering her in story and symbol.  

One of Melka's best friends at  the Flat Iron, Sharon, asked  me to help create a memorial service for the community of friends and family members closest to Melka the last years of her life.  Melka's daughter agreed to talk about it, though she felt unsure of what to expect.

I met with the two of them for about two hours and listened as they told me about her life, personality, her quirks and her most dearly held values.  We chose symbols to honor her life and simple rituals to release her spirit. 

Her daughter was nervous.  She’d never experience a Celebrant ceremony and dreaded the thought of having a memorial service that her mother would hate.   She felt better after our meeting. 

When she read the ceremony before the service her nervousness subsided some more.  When the service was over she felt like she’d received comfort that she didn’t even know she needed. 

Ceremony and ritual help us attend to the big changes in our lives fully — spiritually, psychologically and socially.  Hearing other people speak about what Melka meant to them, listening to a poem that described her mother beautifully and blowing rose petals off the balcony at the Sky Bar to release her noble spirit to the great Mystery – all these gestures woven into a cohesive shared experience helped her and the other people gathered feel that sense of connection that allows us to take the healthy next step on the journey.

From my heart,

Michelle

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Michelle Smith is the founder of Asheville Celebrant.  She is an ordained Inter-Faith Minister and Certified Life-Cycle Celebrant who helps people experience deeper, more meaningful connections in their families and communities.  Whether helping people create personal ceremonies for life’s big changes or leading public ceremonies that build community, Michelle  honors all philosophies, beliefs and traditions--religious, secular, spiritual, inter-faith and multi-cultural.   To explore the possibilities for honoring your own life’s transitions email Michelle at ashevillecelebrant@gmail.com to set up a no-obligation Explore the Possibilities call.